what makes me happy

 i pulled an all nighter to get school work done before the end of the semester. i didnt get much of it done. but i did reward myself for each assignment i completed by doing some work on this site. i try to do all the methods of taking small steps and taking breaks and setting rewards that are supposed to help you accomplish things. nothing works. i can stare at something for hours knowing how badly i need to do it and i just cant bring myself to do it, even if i want to. i metabolize new medication so quickly that any adhd meds im prescribed only work for a week or two before i spiral back down. but programming/coding/scripting whatever is different. its the only "work" that makes me happy. it doesnt matter if im good at it, i can do it for hours. and then i can stare at what i did for hours, but its not like the other tasks. i stare in awe of it. i changed my writing page from a blogger blog to links to plain html pages. it was simple, it took very little effort. but i was so happy with the result. i just sat there clicking around my website, going in circles. i added a javascript thing that makes sparkles come out of your cursor. i didnt write the code, i dont know how it works, but i love it. i love that my website has it. but i only ever love doing this stuff for me. i cant bring myself to do work in my ap computer science class. i love drawing but i cant bring myself to do work for either of my art classes. recently ive been making a calculator in python. it isnt very good, but i get so engrossed in working on it. i love adding new features, i love seeing the whole thing come together, i love learning about features of python i didnt know before, i love when im doing something else entirely and a solution to a problem i was having pops into my head. i cant do school. i doubt i could hold a real job. my dad wants me to work at a company, to make the next angry birds and become a millionaire, and i try to tell him that i cant do that, i dont want to do that, that im not interested in those games, that my time is spent in the world of weird games and the indie web, that i dont want to work for anyone but myself, but he doesnt listen. he doesnt get it. i hate that i need money to live. i hate that art is a product. i want to make things for the sake of making them. i dont know how anyone can bare living in this world. i want to live but i cant live here. its all too much. this place is my only comfort, my only sanctuary. maybe you can relate, if anyone ever reads this.